Chapter 6: The Gaps in the Heart
There is no correct path.
We reminisced about the past, sharing countless trivial stories.
We talked about the funny teachers, the ones we weren’t fond of, the part-time staff… and the memories from the self-study room. There was so much to talk about that by the time Ritsu and I had finished indulging in our nostalgia, the sun had already set.
Ritsu glanced at the clock and gave a wry smile.
"We got too carried away talking, huh?"
"Yeah. But reminiscing was nice. Your failure stories never get old."
"You’ve got a terrible personality!"
He shot back, and we both laughed.
Then, together, we gazed up at the dark night sky.
A cloudy sky, without a single visible star. Still, we kept looking, as if waiting for the clouds to clear.
…Maybe I should’ve asked him sooner.
Every memory we talked about felt fresh. That’s why we ended up chatting so long.
Because ever since I reunited with Ritsu, we had never once talked about the past.
Because he never brought it up either.
He almost seemed like he was avoiding it, so I read the atmosphere and never asked.
It felt like something I shouldn’t touch… No, that’s not right. That’s not it.
I kept questioning myself and denied the thought.
I knew the truth. I really did.
I was just scared to ask.
Ritsu had disappeared so suddenly—maybe he had actually disliked me.
Maybe I was the only one who thought we were close.
Maybe I was the only one who had treasured our time together.
Maybe I had just been a bother to him.
—A precious memory, beautified like a spell.
I didn’t want to shatter it by hearing the truth from Ritsu himself.
But—now, I feel differently.
Because the way he’s smiling as he talks… there’s no way that’s a lie!
"Hey, Ritsu. Why didn’t you come back to cram school after the summer course?"
I tried to keep my voice as flat as possible, hiding the nervousness welling up inside me.
Ritsu furrowed his brows as if troubled and murmured awkwardly, "A lot of stuff happened..."
Then, he put his hands together in front of his face.
"Sorry for not telling you I was only attending the summer course!"
"I was waiting, thinking we'd talk again, you know?"
"I just... never found the right timing. And then, the move was decided."
"…Still, you could’ve at least said something before you left, right?"
"For that, I really am… sorry."
A genuinely apologetic expression.
But from the look on his face, I could tell—there was more to it than that.
He steps in to help others, yet builds walls to keep people from stepping into his own life.
Realizing that much… maybe that’s a small sign of my own growth.
One day, he’ll tell me.
With that silent resolve, I chose not to press further.
"You know, I had a rough time after that! Everyone started looking at me with this weird, lukewarm pity, and they all got way too nice… Like, they totally thought I got rejected."
"Uh… well, isn’t it good that they were nice to you? It gave you a chance to talk to them, right?"
"Getting a sudden personality switch of kindness is just creepy."
"Hahaha… yeah, I guess that makes sense."
"Well, in the end, we met again like this, so it worked out."
"Same here. Talking with you, Kirisaki, puts me at ease. I’m really glad we got to meet again."
Ritsu said that with a wry smile.
But those words… they didn’t feel like his usual way of pleasing everyone.
They felt real.
There wasn’t that usual air of insincerity about them.
…He’s right here, close enough that I could reach out and touch him…
That thought alone made a quiet sigh slip from my lips.
"Still… sometimes, I wonder. This past year… what have I even been doing?"
"…………"
"I made this decision after standing up to my parents, but nothing has gone right."
Not just that—my place, my position, was taken away so easily.
I wanted to walk beside Ritsu.
If he had someone special, then I at least wanted to be the next most important person to him.
I told myself I’d be fine with being second—as his best friend.
But even that was impossible.
Rurina transferred in and took everything—being by his side, excelling in studies—all of it.
And that… it was frustrating. It was hollowing.
"I lost sight of my path, of everything… so I just stopped moving forward."
Taking a break felt like running away, and I hated that, too.
Ah… I was just spiraling deeper into self-loathing.
"Maybe I made the wrong choice. Maybe I should’ve just done what my parents wanted. I really haven’t changed at all, have I…?"
I never wanted him to see me like this—spilling my weakness.
But once I started remembering the past, all these emotions welled up, and I couldn’t stop them.
My hands clenched tightly on my lap.
Holding back the tears was the only thing I could do.
"Kirisaki, you didn’t make the wrong choice."
I felt a slight weight, and then—gently, he patted my head.
When I looked up, he met my gaze with a soft smile.
"…What are you doing, trying to act all cool?"
"Exactly what it looks like. Just saying what I think."
"Why do you think that? I… haven’t gotten anything right."
"For now, maybe."
Ritsu said that as he looked up at the sky.
His hand kept moving on top of my head, as if comforting me.
It wasn’t like it felt particularly good or anything… but right now, that kindness was something I appreciated.
"You don’t even have your results yet, right? The dream you want to achieve is still ahead of you. And there’s no such thing as a wrong path."
"…………"
"It’s not about whether the path you chose was right or wrong. Because in the end, you’re the one who has to make it right."
As if instilling those words into me, he spoke slowly and deliberately.
I stayed silent, just listening.
"Even if it’s a difficult path, only you can turn it into the right one. Instead of comparing yourself to others, why not compare yourself to who you were in the past? At the very least, I think you’ve changed, Kirisaki."
"…How?"
"For starters, you used to be a total loner."
"…Hah? A loner…?"
"Yeah. You avoided people and only ever talked to me. But now, that’s not the case. I can say this now, but when we met again after so long, I was honestly surprised."
Ritsu said that with a bright, genuine smile.
"You don’t need to dwell on the past and keep looking back. There are countless paths ahead of you. If you keep your head down, you won’t even notice the beautiful rainbow right in front of you."
"…I won’t look down anymore."
"That’s the spirit. So let’s run forward with everything we’ve got—through this ‘now’ that we can never return to."
He said it just like before, with that slight hint of embarrassment.
Hearing him say the same words to encourage me again… He really doesn’t waver. It’s honestly admirable.
—Ah, that’s right.
The way he sits beside me and talks things through…
Usually cool and detached, yet strangely kind to a fault—sometimes to the point of being a hassle.
Including all of that… That’s why I fell for him.
The feelings I had given up on—the ones I thought I had buried—were beginning to resurface, slowly but surely, carrying warmth with them.
The emotions that had been frozen in time since back then were swelling up, flooding back into me.
At the same time, things I hadn’t seen before were starting to become clearer.
"…Thanks, Ritsu."
When I thanked him, he simply replied with a short, "Yeah."
Then, he stood up and pointed toward the park’s exit.
"Hey, Kirisaki, do you still have time?"
"…Yeah, I do."
"Then, come with me for a bit."
"Huh? What are we doing now?"
"…Karaoke. You went with me before, remember?"
Seeing him scratch his cheek in embarrassment made me laugh without thinking.
"Given the mood of this park, wouldn’t fireworks be more fitting?"
"If we lit fireworks here, someone would call the cops."
"Oh… Yeah, that’d be bad. Too bad, though."
I let out a sigh and slumped my shoulders.
Ritsu glanced at me before starting to walk toward the park’s exit—then, suddenly, he stopped.
"Kirisaki. This park… it’s nice, isn’t it?"
"Huh? Well… it’s kinda pitch black, though."
"Hah, true. But still… let’s come back here again. I hate the crowds at fireworks festivals, though."
He pointed at the night sky and smiled.
That made me smile, too. I stood up and walked over to him.
"You said it, so no backing out. Don’t even think about ditching last minute."
"Of course. And if anything’s ever on your mind, just talk to me. Sometimes, saying things out loud makes them easier to bear. And if you want me to keep it secret, I’ll take it to the grave."
"Thanks. You’re still a hero, huh, Ritsu?"
"No, I’m not. I’m just selfish… Same as I’ve always been."
—His words echoed quietly in the night.
There was something lonely, almost hollow, about his voice.
When I turned to look at him, he noticed my gaze and smiled gently.
...I see. So that's why we get along so well.
I finally understand.
He's just like how I was in middle school.
—At our core, our way of thinking, our personalities are the same.
Being "above it all" is just proof that you've abandoned something to become an adult.
That you've given up on dreaming and started thinking only about what's realistic.
...It's proof of that.
So Ritsu must have given up on something too.
To grow up, to stay composed, to be kind to others... He sacrificed something.
And I don’t know what that "something" is.
...Realizing that fact made me feel unbearably frustrated.
From the Me Who Never Aimed for First Place to the Me Who Wants to Be Number One
The next day, Saturday, I went to school.
I didn’t have any plans—I just didn’t want to stay home doing nothing.
As I approached the classroom, I saw the lights were on. Curious, I peeked inside.
There stood Rurina, a serious expression on her face. She looked down at the papers spread across the teacher’s desk, nodding slightly to herself over and over again.
"Rurina, mind if I come in?"
【Good morning, Suzune.】
"Morning."
When I greeted her back, her expression shifted ever so slightly.
She pulled at her cheeks, trying to show happiness.
She still wasn’t great at making expressions in front of anyone besides Ritsu.
Her smile was small and awkward, just a tiny lift at the corners of her lips.
But compared to when I first met her—
"I think you’re getting better at expressing yourself, Rurina."
I meant that sincerely.
Hearing my words, her eyes sparkled with happiness.
"What are you up to today? Studying?"
【I’m memorizing everyone so I can talk to them.】
"Ah, because it’s a new class?"
She nodded slightly, looking a little embarrassed.
She’s really earnest and hardworking.
On top of that, she has this natural charm that makes people want to protect her.
A lot of people still misunderstand her, but once they get to know her, I have no doubt she’ll attract more and more people.
And the more people gather, the more chances for trouble—but that’s just unavoidable.
…Well, I bet a certain overprotective someone will try to prevent that from happening in the first place.
【What about you, Suzune?】
"Just taking a walk. I was bored."
【Let’s study together.】
The moment I said "bored," she wrote those words and held them up, looking at me with these big, hopeful eyes.
A gaze so sweet, so expectant—
There’s no way I can say no to that.
I actually wanted to be alone to sort through my thoughts, but with her looking at me like that, how could I refuse?
…Maybe Ritsu feels this way too sometimes?
As that thought crossed my mind, Rurina brought over a stack of problem books and held them up.
【Which one do you want to do?】
"Rurina... you're carrying all this around?"
【It's my day off, so I brought a lot.】
"Because you have time, huh? I'm surprised..."
If she carried all of this every day, it would be a huge load... But knowing Rurina, I wouldn't put it past her. That worried me a little.
I took the reference book from her and flipped through the pages.
Then, something caught my eye, and my hand stopped.
...There were so many notes written inside.
Checking the other books, I saw they were all just as worn and heavily used.
"Are you getting enough sleep...?"
At my question, Rurina averted her gaze and typed 【Perfectly】 on her tablet.
It was obviously a lie. I let out a sigh.
At the same time, I hated how pathetic I felt.
...No wonder I lost.
Walking beside Ritsu, telling myself being second was fine.
I had only been putting in a half-hearted effort, so of course, I got overtaken.
That frustration welled up inside me.
"Rurina, doesn't it get exhausting, always pushing yourself like this? You don't even know if it'll pay off..."
I ended up asking something mean-spirited.
But Rurina didn't show a hint of displeasure. Instead, she wrote 【I don’t want to have regrets.】
"...Even if things don’t go well?"
【Failure is the foundation of success.】
"...You're strong. But what if you can already tell you're going to fail?"
【I’ll do it anyway.】
"Even if it’s pointless... what if the choice itself was wrong?"
【That’s fine. Effort is never wasted. There’s something only I can do.】
Her eyes shone with unwavering determination.
I see... This is the difference between Rurina and me.
I was afraid of failure, hesitated to do what I really wanted, and ended up doing nothing.
I couldn’t take that step forward. I didn’t want to break what I had, so I just left things untouched.
But Rurina never gave up. She kept moving straight ahead.
"Maybe it’s that straightforwardness of yours that resonates with people..."
Rurina tilted her head slightly in curiosity.
Ritsu had started opening up more than before. He must have been drawn to this side of her.
...It’s frustrating. And yeah, I’m jealous.
【Did you pick your reference book?】
Rurina stared at me intently.
Her face was as expressionless as ever, but somehow, there was a quiet charm to it.
"Yeah, I did. What about you?"
She nodded and showed me an advanced book filled with complex problems, looking just a little smug. Then, she typed on her tablet and held it up to cover her face.
【I’m going to beat Ritsu on the next test and get praised.】
After a brief pause, she swiped the screen and revealed another line.
【A beautiful heart, always looking forward.】
"Uh... is that a quote from someone?"
【It’s my personal motto.】
"I see... So that’s why you keep pushing forward."
【Yeah! Never give up, give it your all!】
She said it with such confidence, her posture straight and proud.
She shone so brightly in that moment.
Maybe... maybe her unwavering determination was rubbing off on me.
I felt like something inside me had finally cleared.
...That’s right. I was told once, wasn’t I?
Ritsu said, ‘Give it your all in the present.’
Whether she was here or not—that didn’t matter.
I should only say “it’s over” when I’ve truly given everything I have.
I like to think Ritsu and I are close. But I can’t say I understand him.
Thinking you can fully understand someone is a selfish, arrogant idea.
But... maybe just a little selfishness is okay?
Until now, I respected the boundaries he set and never pushed too far.
But that won’t do anymore.
A strong will. A heart that doesn’t waver.
Moving forward without giving up—straight ahead.
—I want to live as strongly and honestly as Rurina does.
Until now, I’ve given up on so much, letting everything slip away.
But... just one thing should be okay, right? Having a selfish dream or desire.
Saying “Second or third place is fine. I should only aim for what suits me. I mustn’t have ambitions beyond my reach.”—that was just an excuse to run away.
Maybe it’s time I let go of that and truly set my sights on something.
—To become the most special person to Ritsu.
And this time, I’ll make sure to give back.
Just like that day, when he changed me—this time, I want to change him.
It’s a selfish and arrogant thought, but… I don’t want to just walk beside him—I want to walk one step ahead and take his hand!
The moment I made that decision in my heart, I felt a heat surge through me, as if my blood was racing through my entire body.
"…I can’t afford to lose either."
【Effort is everything.】
"Ahaha! You’re right. Let’s do our best!"
With that, Rurina and I studied together until the sun set.
—The next day.
I finally submitted the career aspiration form I had been holding onto for so long.
Under "Desired Faculty", I wrote "Medical School", and in big, bold letters—
"Defeat Kaburagi Ritsu!!"
When I handed it in and said, "This is my current goal," my teacher looked completely bewildered.
…But that’s a secret.
Chapter 6 END
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